Apostolic Information Service

If Dogs Wrote Letters to God
Author Unknown

Dear God,
When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

“Heaven” Today’s Funny
Author Unknown

A sidewalk preacher stood on a soapbox downtown and started a rousing sermon on salvation, ending with, “Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand by me!”

Half of those standing around joined the preacher, and he went on, raising his voice and fervor, again with the call, “Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand with me!”

Half of those left came over and the preacher continued, ending again with the call to Heaven. This time, all but one man came over.

“Brother!” the preacher called, “Don’t you want to go to Heaven when you die?” The man said, “Oh sure, when I die. I thought you were taking a load up now!”

Turkey Riddles
Unknown Author

So bad, they’re good…

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
‘Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What is the Turkey’s favorite black tie celebration?
The Butter Ball

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
Tur-key.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I’ll tell you at Christmas.

The above article, “Turkey Riddles,” was retrieved form
www.timetosmile.com website, where it was published in May of 2011.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Author Unknown

A young woman, carrying her newborn daughter, went up to the preacher at the end of his sermon and remarked, “Pastor that was a wonderful message this morning. You must have an excellent set of commentaries and study books.” The pastor ignored the mild insult, smiled and thanked her. He then pulled back the blanket and looked at the newborn child. “My, what a beautiful baby! You must have a very handsome husband.”

The Fall
Author Unknown

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up
and says, “That was an experience, how do I learn from it?”

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “I must have done something really bad to deserve that.”

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself
up and says, “That was inevitable, I’m glad it’s over.”

When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and
says, “Which one of my deacons pushed me?”

Preacher Humor
Rev. Smiles

Are You Ready?

A preacher said to a farmer, “Do you belong to the Christian family?”
“No,” he said, “they live two farms down.”
“No, I mean are you lost?”
“No, I’ve been here thirty years.”
“I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?”
“When is it?”
“Could be today or tomorrow.”
“Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Call to another Church
A pastor places his order at the pet store. “I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.”

The clerk replies, “We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?”

The pastor replies, “I’ve accepted a call to another church and the pastor’s council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Farewell Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, “I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, “If the Holy Spirit won’t move you…the prune juice will!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hot Air Hand Dryers
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

This article “Preacher Humor” by Rev. Smiles was excerpted from Church Humor Online www.smileawhile.com website. 2009. It may be used for study & research purposes only.

This article may not be written by an Apostolic author, but it contains many excellent principles and concepts that can be adapted to most churches. As the old saying goes, “Eat the meat. Throw away the bones.”