By: Delaine Heffner
I am in Heaven now, sitting on Jesus’ lap. He loves me and cries with me; for my heart has been broken. I so wanted to be your little girl. I don’t quite understand what has happened.
I was so excited when I began realizing my existence. I was in a dark yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping. Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.
Sometime I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn’t imagine why you were so unhappy.
That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared I began screaming, but there was no sound. I guess they had you all pinned down, because you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me. The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, “Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help me.” Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn’t anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arm off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn’t stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off. Though I was in such complete pain, I realized I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn’t; all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all. I wanted more than anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine what terrible things they had done to you.
I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn’t know the words you could understand. And soon I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big, beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone. The angel took me to Jesus and set me on His lap. He said He loved me, and He was my Father. Then I was happy. I asked Him what the thing was that killed me.
He answered, “Abortion. I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels.” I don’t know what abortion is; I guess that’s the name of the monster.
I’m writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn’t the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn’t want to leave. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.
Your baby girl
(The above material written by 16 year old Delaine Heffner and appeared in the AFA Journal in January 1990.)
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