Wit and Wisdom For Church Bulletins
~ A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
~ A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
~ A calendar’s days are numbered.
~ A Christmas sign from a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in & mangle with the crowd.”
~ A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time
shuffling real cards.
~ A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
~ A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.
~ Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
~ Among the English language’s many puzzling words is “economy,” which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in automobiles.
~ An apology is a good way to have the last word.
~ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”
~ Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.
~ Birthdays are good for you … the more you have the longer you live.
~ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
~ Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.
~ Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”
~ Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
~ Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
~ Christmas is not a date. It is a state of mind & heart.
~ Confidence is that feeling you have just before you fully understand the situation.
~ Dear IRS: I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest.
~ Don’t insult the alligator until after you cross the river.
~ Drop a piano on an Army base and I’ll show you A-flat major!
~ During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following
password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
~ Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.
~ Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway.
~ Evil can reform, but stupid is forever.
~ Generally, helpful hints aren’t.
~ Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
~ “Good enough” is NEVER good enough.
~ Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented bagpipes for “music.”
~ Have you ever thought that life is a car wash, and you’re on a bike?
~ He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.
~ I always put off procrastinating as long as I can.
~ I don’t bother getting even. I just get odd.
~ I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world’s smallest violin. Everybody just thinks he’s being
~ I know there’s no way to do that – but if there WERE a way, what would it be?
~ I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
~ I put all my money into taxes. That’s the only thing that’s sure to go up.
~ I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.
~ I’ve broken so many mirrors in my life, if I live long enough to have all that bad luck, I’ll be lucky.
~ If I can quote lines out of the Bible, would I be well-versed in it?
~ If I work well at a diner, am I being counter-productive?
~ If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen, but not necessarily
what you intended.
~ If you live long enough, something will kill you.
~ If you throw your cat out the window is that kitty litter?
~ If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
~ If you’re a cynic, everyone’s corrupt. If you’re an idealist, everyone’s corrupt, except you.
~ Ignorance might be bliss to you, but it’s agony to everyone around you.
~ It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.
~ Jesus is my favorite loser. He fell for the entire human race.
~ Life is like a mirror; we get the best results when we smile at it.
~ Light travels faster than sound – that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~ Lounge Lizard: “Hello, there! Where have you been all my life?” Young Thing: “For the first half of it, I
wasn’t born yet.”
~ May thy ball lie in green pastures … and not in still waters.
~ Most people don’t make the same mistake twice. They make it three or four times.
~ My body may be present, but my mind has already teed off.
~ Never buy an appliance from a man on the street who’s out of breath.
~ Never try to drown your sorrows. They can swim.
~ No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
~ Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
~ Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
~ “Patience is better than pride” (Ecclesiastes 7:8). Of course, there’s some part of me that would like to have both.
~ Problems that go away by themselves usually come back by themselves.
~ Q: To what use is cowhide most ideally suited? A: Holding a cow together.
~ Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with a skunk? A: A bird that smells but doesn’t give a hoot.
~ Q. What do you give someone who has everything? A. Antibiotics.
~ Q: What sport do elephants play in a taxi? A: Squash.
~ Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot.
~ Remember, heck is reserved for those who don’t give a dang.
~ Safety is not the absence of danger, but is the presence of God.
~ Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
~ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
~ Smart young folks know all the rules. Smart old folks know the exceptions.
~ So yesterday my friend texts me and asked, “What does IDK mean?” So I answered, “I don’t know.” My friend texts me back: “OMG nobody knows!”
~ Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge while others only gargle.
~ Sometimes I think I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
~ Studying economics may not give you the answers to serious economic problems, but at least you’ll learn to avoid being deceived by economists.
~ Sure, it’s the thought that counts, but couldn’t people think a little bigger?
~ Take C-H-R-I-S-T out of Christmas and you’re left with a “miss.”
~ Tell a man there are 300 million stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch it to make sure.
~ The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from
~ The Golfer’s Diet: Live on greens as much as possible.
~ The math teacher went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
~ The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer
says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~ The reason they called golf “golf” was all the other 4-letter words were taken.
~ The sentence below is true. The sentence above is false.
~ The tragedy of Canada: They could have had French cuisine, British culture, and American technology.
Instead, they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.
~ The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.
~ The word “aerobics” was invented when the gym instructors got together and said: “If we’re going to
charge $20 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping Up And Down.”
~ There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
~ There’s always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here
thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
~ Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
~ This would be a wonderful world if we showed as much patience in all things as we do in waiting for a fish to bite.
~ Unless you can create the whole universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving “advice” to God isn’t such a good
~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.
~ We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
~ What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.
~ When having dinner with chess players, never sit at a table with a checkered cloth. It could take them hours to pass you the salt.
~ When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, uphill, often in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
~ When you have a choice between stupidity and ignorance, pick ignorance. It’s curable.
~ When’s the best time to plant a tree? 15 years ago.
When’s the second-best time? Today.
~ Where am I going and why am I in this hand basket?
~ Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have
~ Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
~ Why do they call it Toys”R”Us? The people who work there aren’t toys. They should call it Toys”R”Here.
~ Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
~ Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
~ Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
~ Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
~ Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
~ Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf-esteem.
~ Wife to husband: “This Christmas let’s give each other sensible gifts…like ties and fur coats.”
~ You can’t keep trouble from coming, but you don’t have to give it a chair to sit on.
~ You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
~ You may not always know the details of your journey or clearly see where the trail is leading, but God will always give you enough light to take the next step.
~ You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
~ You! Off my planet!
~ You’re only as old as you feel … the next day.
~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.
The above article was retrieved from www.mikeysFunnies.com in January 2010.
The material is most likely copyrighted and should not be reprinted under any other name or author. However, this material may be freely used for personal study and research purposes.
“This article may not be written by an Apostolic author, but it contains many excellent principles and concepts that can be adapted to most churches. As the old saying goes, “Eat the meat. Throw away the bones.”